I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
