I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Found your dick twin last night
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
