we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Randomize
