Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
