So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Randomize
