i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
