i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
