Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
