We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
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