don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
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