you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
