i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
