The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
