You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
