i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize