my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
