I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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