I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
