Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
