Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
