I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize