If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I met the friendliest cop last night
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
