I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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