My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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