Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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