i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
