Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
