i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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