I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Just high enough for therapy.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Randomize
