we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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