My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
