Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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