My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
