I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
the condom got lost in my hair
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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