I want to walk on stilts...naked
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
