Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize
