Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
