So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
home. puking in laundry basket.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
