Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
