im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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