Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
