I need to stop coming to work sober
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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