have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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