Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize