I'd wear matching sweaters with you
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
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