My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
