Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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