He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
