the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
