i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
