My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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