I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
