my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Sorry about my life...
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
