my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
