Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
