the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
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