6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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